No news, it’s calf roping now- I go find our advisor. He won’t look me in the eye, he said hang on we should know something soon. I see another dad, his look said it was bad but he didn’t say anything. He just hugs me and walks away. My chest is tightening, it’s hard to breathe. Nothing will stop the tears from rolling out of my eyes, I look for my folks but it’s spring and dad is calving – they're on the way.
Saddle broncs are next so I’m back at the chute, talking to the horses. Soothing them while I take off their halters, flank strap and saddles. They seem to calm me too. It’s then that people start talking – the rumors. I hate the rumors, and at that time I hated the ones who spread them. "He's dead! He broke his ribs. He's fine, they just need to check him out." etc etc.
I drew out of breakaway and team roping – at my partners suggestion. During the 2nd round of bull dogging my advisor found me. He said he was very sorry, that when Eric was kicked it stopped his heart – they never got it started again. NO! No! No! How could this be? I want to get out of there – I run out. Kregg, (who I had judged when I first saw him as a long haired, hippy, wanna be - he turned out to be an excellent bullrider and top hand) came running after me and just stayed with me until my folks got there. He was a great friend.
My folks did what they could. I did not understand this God who would allow Eric to die! Eric was a good guy! He was a Christian! Why not take some scum bag? Why Eric? Why?
The next 2 months are a blur. I was in a depression I guess. I slept most of the time, my professors came to tell me if I didn’t go to class I wouldn’t graduate. They were sympathetic, but there wasn’t much they could do. It helped, but my anger at a God who would allow this to happen was growing. Eric’s family was wonderful to me, they had peace. I had none!
Texas was our dream and I was going. I graduated and left within a week. My first tornado was in Clayton, NM – thought it was a bad wind storm. Interviews weren’t going well – no one would hire an 18 year old Idaho cowgirl. In Dalhart, TX someone mentioned a feedlot in Boise City, OK that needed help. Interview over I got the job – well my job was driving feed truck. My first run I hit the mill door and was (demoted) promoted to cowboy crew. Yahoo! It was a horriblem, hot summer; the manager didn’t care for me so he had me unload a semi of 3-string baled hay thinking I would quit. I didn’t quit but I was very sore for a few days. I worked long hours and made little money. No time to think and that was the way I liked it. God was still the one who took my best friend away. God brought people into my life to water the seeds Eric planted, they spoke of Jesus and what He'd done for them. I listened but was still angry.
After six months of calf fries and beans (I don’t eat either any more), I applied at the largest feedlot in the area and got the job. I had 10,000 head in my care – no trucks to unload except cattle trucks. My pay tripled. Now I had time to think, God still took Eric away! Anger still consumed my heart.
Here I met David. He was the head doctor. He was very nice and going through a divorce. All the cowboys told me unflattering things about his soon to be ex-wife but he never said anything. I respected him for that. We became friends, but I wasn’t interested in anyone who’d been married before plus he had a daughter. He was kind, I admired that - he reminded me of Eric. He had a peace, he spoke about Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. We became good friends.
Saddle broncs are next so I’m back at the chute, talking to the horses. Soothing them while I take off their halters, flank strap and saddles. They seem to calm me too. It’s then that people start talking – the rumors. I hate the rumors, and at that time I hated the ones who spread them. "He's dead! He broke his ribs. He's fine, they just need to check him out." etc etc.
I drew out of breakaway and team roping – at my partners suggestion. During the 2nd round of bull dogging my advisor found me. He said he was very sorry, that when Eric was kicked it stopped his heart – they never got it started again. NO! No! No! How could this be? I want to get out of there – I run out. Kregg, (who I had judged when I first saw him as a long haired, hippy, wanna be - he turned out to be an excellent bullrider and top hand) came running after me and just stayed with me until my folks got there. He was a great friend.
My folks did what they could. I did not understand this God who would allow Eric to die! Eric was a good guy! He was a Christian! Why not take some scum bag? Why Eric? Why?
The next 2 months are a blur. I was in a depression I guess. I slept most of the time, my professors came to tell me if I didn’t go to class I wouldn’t graduate. They were sympathetic, but there wasn’t much they could do. It helped, but my anger at a God who would allow this to happen was growing. Eric’s family was wonderful to me, they had peace. I had none!
Texas was our dream and I was going. I graduated and left within a week. My first tornado was in Clayton, NM – thought it was a bad wind storm. Interviews weren’t going well – no one would hire an 18 year old Idaho cowgirl. In Dalhart, TX someone mentioned a feedlot in Boise City, OK that needed help. Interview over I got the job – well my job was driving feed truck. My first run I hit the mill door and was (demoted) promoted to cowboy crew. Yahoo! It was a horriblem, hot summer; the manager didn’t care for me so he had me unload a semi of 3-string baled hay thinking I would quit. I didn’t quit but I was very sore for a few days. I worked long hours and made little money. No time to think and that was the way I liked it. God was still the one who took my best friend away. God brought people into my life to water the seeds Eric planted, they spoke of Jesus and what He'd done for them. I listened but was still angry.
After six months of calf fries and beans (I don’t eat either any more), I applied at the largest feedlot in the area and got the job. I had 10,000 head in my care – no trucks to unload except cattle trucks. My pay tripled. Now I had time to think, God still took Eric away! Anger still consumed my heart.
Here I met David. He was the head doctor. He was very nice and going through a divorce. All the cowboys told me unflattering things about his soon to be ex-wife but he never said anything. I respected him for that. We became friends, but I wasn’t interested in anyone who’d been married before plus he had a daughter. He was kind, I admired that - he reminded me of Eric. He had a peace, he spoke about Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit. We became good friends.
One day during lunch he came over to eat with me. He told me his life story, he was my friend but there was stirrings in my heart. I told him about me - our friendship grew. After a few months, all the cowboy crew were trying to get us set up. Still not interested - divorcee, daughter, he quit school because he wanted to work (he had good grades). When he asked me out - I told him until he got a GED I wouldn't think of dating him. He signed up the next day. We did start dating, I met his family. I'm sure they were all a little worried with him meeting someone so soon after the divorce - but most of them accepted me. I was falling for him, hard. We made wedding plans.
Divorce brings out the ugly hurt in people and he didn't get to see his daughter much. We went back to Idaho and he met my family - who loved him (I think they'd chose him over me). We started wedding plans. 
My heart was being drawn to God, one baby step at a time. About 5 months after we married, we started attending a small Baptist church. One night at a revival I gave my life to Jesus, gave up the sin, the hurts, the anger, the jealousy, the pain..........and asked Jesus into my heart. The seeds that Eric planted, were in good soil now - God continues to be my God.
Some of the seeds I planted have sprouted right before my eyes, and some I just continue to pray about. His grace sustains me when my faith wavers.
Today is Eric's birthday. He died March 27 at the age of 19. God put Eric into my life and in His time - I realized why.
Then He said, "I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the LORD before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion." Exodus 33:19
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. Galatians 5:22-23
1 comment:
Beautiful! The story and the writer. God is good to bring comfort after so much pain!
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